Once I had a dream...

A friend of mine sent me this picture knowing my current status. Although, you can definitely see the humor in it, it really depicted my sentiments these days. I have become very cynical about our country and the system as a result of my experience with the state this past week.

I have always tried to keep a positive attitude, and pride myself in the faith I keep. But when it got down to brass tacks, and I felt I was forced to ask for help, I felt abandoned.

You see, I have had a total of 5 heart attacks. When the first two happened, I had just started a new job, was a single parent, and going to school in hopes of bettering our lives. I didn't let the heart attacks get me down and stand in the way of my goals. I kept going, and thanks to God, things did get better for a while.

When I had my third and fourth heart attacks, which resulted in a 99% blockage that I still have today, it was suggested to me that I should apply for disability, as they cannot get to the blockage to fix it. I refused as I loved my job and wanted to function in a normal capacity and give back to society. I picked myself up and continued to go on and did my best to not let the heart episodes interfere.

Then there was the last heart attack. It was in April 2008. That was the morning when it was raining ice and I went out to feed the horses and they were gone. Apparently, they needed a night out in town, as that is where I found them and got them home leading them beside my truck while the town sheriff escorted us home. I was able to fix the fence, get cleaned up and be at work by 10 a.m. I knew when I got to work that something was wrong. I took my nitro, and continued on as we had so many things going on at work, and I didn't want to miss them. We were at an office luncheon, when I knew that I couldn't ignore my heart this time. So I quietly dismissed myself and drove to the emergency room where they admitted me and discovered another 80% blockage on the main artery. This time it took a stint to fix it.

After 6 weeks of cardio rehab (again...I think I could probably teach the class now), I went back to work to the job I loved. In August, I was let go for the reasons of a reorganization and the fact that my position was being "eliminated". I was one of the top performers in my department. The same day I was termed, the company posted four jobs, all of which had identical job descriptions, but only the title had changed. Guess that falls into the "life just ain't fair" category?

So where am I going with all this? I was taught to always keep getting up, brushing myself off, and keep going. I didn't want to be another statistic on welfare or disability. In my former job, I came across so many people who were cheating the system, having kid after kid just so they could stay in the system, but all of them perfectly capable of earning a decent living. It matters to me that I contribute and be self-supporting and earn my place as a citizen. Today, I'm feeling that none of this matters.

After 6 months of being unemployed, applying for job after job, I have found myself unable to support myself anymore, much like thousands of other people today with the sad state of the nation. With no other alternatives, I contacted the state for assistance. This is where it gets really good...

The state informed me that because I continued to work in spite of my heart condition, that I did not qualify. They said that to qualify, I would have to be unemployed for one year with no other source of income (I'm currently receiving unemployment that won't even cover my mortgage), or die. Yes, they said "OR DIE". I don't think I even have to elaborate on the insanity of that statement.

And speaking of unemployment....how is it that when I was working I not only paid for unemployment but was taxed on it as well, and now that I am receiving it, I am paying taxes on it again???? Sorry, but that deserves a WTF???

Our country is not proactive, and does not respond to proactive solutions. For example, I contacted my mortgage company to let them know what was going on in my life. I had hoped that perhaps we could negotiate my mortgage payments until I was able to find another job. Their response was that they couldn't do anything to help me until I was in default for 90 days or greater on my mortgage payments. Why is it that we always have to let the jackass get in the ditch before we take any action? And then, there is always a debate as to how the damn jackass got in the ditch before we decide to get it out.

So you find me writing this blog in frustration, just so I can get things off my chest, as I am feeling like I have been knocked down, but this time, in spite of all my efforts, I just can't get back up. When I bought my little farm, I had a dream. It wasn't just a dream for me, but a dream that would help people. I wanted to expand and board horses and develop a program to help underprivileged kids, or autistic kids (as I believe that horses hold a great healing power), and maybe even have a transition program for families who are down on their luck and need help getting back on their feet by providing a temporary place to live, helping them with their resumes and finding a job. People need to know that there is hope and help for them.

As the photo caption states, I have lost my ass and I don't know which way to turn. I ask God on a daily basis to show me where the solution is and I pray that others in my situation find a solution as well. I know that I am not alone.

I do thank everyone for all the thoughts and prayers, and ask that you keep those struggling as I am, in your thoughts as well. I've always believed that God didn't bring us this far to drop us on our heads, however, sometimes it does feel like we're being dangled by our ankles! :-) God's speed.

Disappearing...

Yesterday, I was goofing around with my camera trying to figure out the self-timer, what different settings do, etc.

When I went to review the pictures I had taken, I was freaked out when I came across this one, and I was reminded (once I stopped pinching myself to make sure I was still alive!) once again to never lose sight of who I am, and to continue to try and make a difference, no matter how small it may be.
These past 6 months have been very difficult, discouraging, frustrating, and humbling, not to mention the constant vacuum of self-worth. It has been hard to maintain a positive attitude and I have definitely had my "cry" days in which I have wished I could just disappear.

This picture, even though I realize is just a fluke, had a profound effect on me, and it really made me reflect on what is truly important in life. Things are just things. And although I really hate the thought of losing these "things" that mean so much to me, I am fully aware that they are just gifts I have been graced with to take care of for now. There are no guarantees. But the thing I realized is that I have been so lucky to have been given a chance to live in the moment and enjoy what I have today. Some people never get that chance.

I don't want to disappear. :-) I want to always be able to look back at where I have been and take note that I was there for a reason, and that perhaps I did make a small difference being there.

A Close Call......

Last night I was sitting in the kitchen talking to a friend on the phone, when I noticed something poking its head in the pet door. I thought I was seeing things at first, as the dogs were all in the living room sound asleep. Then I saw it again....it was Zippy Pinhead! Apparently, the pregnant cat had decided to scale the 6 foot high chain link enclosed fence, where the cat-killing heelers reside, come inside the mud room and poke her head in the pet door. What that crazy cat was thinking....I'll never know.

I quickly put the cover on the pet door so she couldn't come inside and to avoid a brawl should the dogs wake up and see her. No sooner did I do this when the dogs smelled her, woke up and charged the door barking and growling. I figured when Zippy heard them, that this would be a clue to run far, far away. Now I am completely convinced that Zippy is a half bubble off plum. I found out the hard way that she had simply gone back out and sat inside the fenced in yard. When I opened the door to check, the three heelers, now resembling the Dingos they were derived from, squeezed through my legs and tore out after her.

It was the most God awful thing I think I have ever seen. I ran out to protect the stupid cat, and found that she had stuck her head through the chain link fence thinking that she was small enough to squeeze through. She must have seen rabbits do this and assumed she could do the same. So her head is stuck in the fence, the dogs are tearing and pulling at her like a rag doll, I'm screaming "NOOOOOOO!" and trying to get in the middle of it without losing a limb. I finally managed to get her head out of the fence without breaking her neck, but the dogs completely disregarded my presence and continued to attack her as the brawl extended to the other end of the yard. They had her cornered, it was dark, and I heard one of the dogs scream in pain. I had no idea what I was grabbing at as I tried to sort through the chaos. The dogs finally retreated for a second in which Zippy made it half way up the fence panting in short breaths and growling.

As she clung to the fence, I cautiously took hold of her from behind and pushed her up over the fence. I heard her run away, but wasn't sure if she was injured, as when I grabbed her, she was sticky wet.
I came inside and checked the dogs for injuries. I was afraid that it was Lucy who had screamed and that she had lost an eye....she only has one good one left! But she was fine. It was Neuman who got poked in the eye. Luckily, it doesn't look too bad, only hemorrhaged, and I put some antibiotic drops in it to avoid an infection.

I grabbed the flashlight and went to look for Zippy to see if she was okay. I fully expected to find her dead, but instead found her alive and well in the barn. She was pretty shaken up, but amazingly enough did not have any puncture wounds or broken bones. I have come to realize that her name is very appropriate as within that Zippy Pinhead, there is a brain the size of a gnat's! If she can possibly retain anything, I pray that it is this incident!

Saaaaaaay....why the long face?

Ki has gotten to be almost as big a clown as Cowboy. The long face would be about me not getting her grain as quickly as she thinks I should! Ki will watch for me every morning and when she sees me coming, she quietly sneaks into the barn before Cowboy is aware I'm coming, just so she can steal a few bites of his grain before he notices. This usually doesn't go over well with Cowboy, so he will go on her side of the stall and throw her hay into the horse tank. I swear, all my critters are like having children, and trust me, they don't always play nice when I tell them to!

Ozzie goes to a new home...

Well, although I'm going to miss the little Hershey squirter, I am so happy that Ozzie, now aka Katie, has found a new home. Wednesday, Barb came and officially adopted her into her family. :-) I loved having Ozzie around, but Lucy, Neuman, and Petey were obviously never going to see her as anything but lunch. So the little fur ball now has an entire domain to roam, not just a laundry room.

My God! It Gots No Ears!!

During the holidays, I was trying to take some pictures of myself to send to family so they could have an update pic. Well, Zippy Pinhead had other ideas and decided if I wasn't going to pay attention to her, she would just get in the photo! This picture just cracked me up!