Once I had a dream...

A friend of mine sent me this picture knowing my current status. Although, you can definitely see the humor in it, it really depicted my sentiments these days. I have become very cynical about our country and the system as a result of my experience with the state this past week.

I have always tried to keep a positive attitude, and pride myself in the faith I keep. But when it got down to brass tacks, and I felt I was forced to ask for help, I felt abandoned.

You see, I have had a total of 5 heart attacks. When the first two happened, I had just started a new job, was a single parent, and going to school in hopes of bettering our lives. I didn't let the heart attacks get me down and stand in the way of my goals. I kept going, and thanks to God, things did get better for a while.

When I had my third and fourth heart attacks, which resulted in a 99% blockage that I still have today, it was suggested to me that I should apply for disability, as they cannot get to the blockage to fix it. I refused as I loved my job and wanted to function in a normal capacity and give back to society. I picked myself up and continued to go on and did my best to not let the heart episodes interfere.

Then there was the last heart attack. It was in April 2008. That was the morning when it was raining ice and I went out to feed the horses and they were gone. Apparently, they needed a night out in town, as that is where I found them and got them home leading them beside my truck while the town sheriff escorted us home. I was able to fix the fence, get cleaned up and be at work by 10 a.m. I knew when I got to work that something was wrong. I took my nitro, and continued on as we had so many things going on at work, and I didn't want to miss them. We were at an office luncheon, when I knew that I couldn't ignore my heart this time. So I quietly dismissed myself and drove to the emergency room where they admitted me and discovered another 80% blockage on the main artery. This time it took a stint to fix it.

After 6 weeks of cardio rehab (again...I think I could probably teach the class now), I went back to work to the job I loved. In August, I was let go for the reasons of a reorganization and the fact that my position was being "eliminated". I was one of the top performers in my department. The same day I was termed, the company posted four jobs, all of which had identical job descriptions, but only the title had changed. Guess that falls into the "life just ain't fair" category?

So where am I going with all this? I was taught to always keep getting up, brushing myself off, and keep going. I didn't want to be another statistic on welfare or disability. In my former job, I came across so many people who were cheating the system, having kid after kid just so they could stay in the system, but all of them perfectly capable of earning a decent living. It matters to me that I contribute and be self-supporting and earn my place as a citizen. Today, I'm feeling that none of this matters.

After 6 months of being unemployed, applying for job after job, I have found myself unable to support myself anymore, much like thousands of other people today with the sad state of the nation. With no other alternatives, I contacted the state for assistance. This is where it gets really good...

The state informed me that because I continued to work in spite of my heart condition, that I did not qualify. They said that to qualify, I would have to be unemployed for one year with no other source of income (I'm currently receiving unemployment that won't even cover my mortgage), or die. Yes, they said "OR DIE". I don't think I even have to elaborate on the insanity of that statement.

And speaking of unemployment....how is it that when I was working I not only paid for unemployment but was taxed on it as well, and now that I am receiving it, I am paying taxes on it again???? Sorry, but that deserves a WTF???

Our country is not proactive, and does not respond to proactive solutions. For example, I contacted my mortgage company to let them know what was going on in my life. I had hoped that perhaps we could negotiate my mortgage payments until I was able to find another job. Their response was that they couldn't do anything to help me until I was in default for 90 days or greater on my mortgage payments. Why is it that we always have to let the jackass get in the ditch before we take any action? And then, there is always a debate as to how the damn jackass got in the ditch before we decide to get it out.

So you find me writing this blog in frustration, just so I can get things off my chest, as I am feeling like I have been knocked down, but this time, in spite of all my efforts, I just can't get back up. When I bought my little farm, I had a dream. It wasn't just a dream for me, but a dream that would help people. I wanted to expand and board horses and develop a program to help underprivileged kids, or autistic kids (as I believe that horses hold a great healing power), and maybe even have a transition program for families who are down on their luck and need help getting back on their feet by providing a temporary place to live, helping them with their resumes and finding a job. People need to know that there is hope and help for them.

As the photo caption states, I have lost my ass and I don't know which way to turn. I ask God on a daily basis to show me where the solution is and I pray that others in my situation find a solution as well. I know that I am not alone.

I do thank everyone for all the thoughts and prayers, and ask that you keep those struggling as I am, in your thoughts as well. I've always believed that God didn't bring us this far to drop us on our heads, however, sometimes it does feel like we're being dangled by our ankles! :-) God's speed.